Good doggies
by SwordStitcher
Summary: Crack!fic: When it goes wrong, it really goes wrong! Switch had one job. Just one. Somehow she ended up running for her life from not only Bud and Lou but Harley, Batman and the police. Rated for generous amounts of swearing!
1. Good Doggies

A/N: Alright, I said when I ended Asylum Blues that I wasn't doing anymore fics for Switch until I completed Rules. Double S sucks at promises people. I've been procrastinating not only on that but another set of stories. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep or maybe the running gag of beating on Switch because it's frankly funny, I present...this.

Warning: There's a metric ton of swearing, folks because Switch becomes a verbal potty mouth when she's under pressure.

* * *

'_Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohhhshiii-' _

Her legs were burning, her lungs were aching and all Dead Switch wanted to do was flop to the floor and breathe, she'd ran to her limit before when the police and Batman were chasing her, but neither had the motivational power of her current pursuers.

She vaulted over a fence and sprinted into an open field but she was slowing down, even she had noticed it.

Gothamites scattered out of her way with gasps and screams as she ploughed through what she guessed was a park of some kind, but she didn't dare stop.

Behind her, claws scrabbled on wood as two snapping, snarling hyenas chased after her and behind them, was the sounds of the most annoying woman in Gotham screaming at the top of her lungs. 'BUD! LOU! Leave her alone! Ya don't know where she's been!'

The bloody hyenas weren't going to give in, nor were they going to listen to their mistress.

They were practically at her heels now, slobbering for a chunk out of her legs. She needed something to climb, anything to climb now. Any kind of escape from those jaws.

Switch hopped over the fence on the other end of the park and paused to take in the sight of the busy motorway in front of her, but not for long, Bud and Lou were scrabbling through the wooden posts, snapping at her.

_Fuck. Didn't mom say not to play in traffic?_

_She never envisioned two starving hyenas chasing her daughter though._

Switch dived through the traffic just as a bat shaped blur flew past her.

_Oh god now it's the unholy terror, Batman! This is not my day!_

She dived off to the side and charged down a new street as the sound of two vicious hyenas hitting reinforced armour and attacking anything within reach in a frenzy fell behind her.

But even their most hated enemy, Batman, wasn't going to put them off a taste of her. Seconds after, they were back on her trail.

Now she had two rabid hyenas, Harley and Batman chasing her.

Her stamina was tanking. She had to wonder how many bites she'd get before Batman managed to arrest her? Probably too many.

Her phone began to trill the Macarena. She pulled it from her pocket and flipped it open. 'Please tell me you're dog control!' She gasped.

'Dead Switch, what part of this job demanded publicity?' Edward Nigma had that voice that could make disappointed sounds disappointed. But what? She was on Tv?

The whirling sounds of a helicopter forced her head up as Nigma ranted into her ear. How had she not noticed the noise earlier? Well it was hard to hear anything over her laden breath or pumping blood. 'It was a simple drop-off Switch! How could you _possibly_ have ended up like this?'

'Bud and Lou don't like me!' She panted.

'And who are Bud and Lou?' His tone dropped by several degrees.

Switch screamed as either Bud or Lou successfully landed a bite. Her speed picked up when she shook them free. Now not only was her calf in burning agony, it was missing a chunk of flesh.

In the distance, she could hear sirens.

_Not the cops too…_

'I'm waiting, Switch.' Nigma uttered icily.

'They're fucking hyenas!' She yelled and barged through a group of people in her way. As she left them behind, she heard some ear-piercing shrieks and the sounds of snarling.

'And why don't Bud and Lou like you?' Nigma wondered.

'I may have said something that Joker took offence at…' She whimpered.

'And what was that?'

'….I may have said something about his face?'

'_**Dead Switch**_**….**' Oh god it was his suffering voice, oh god he was going to kill her, provided she lived through this, whatever this was. _Oh god_ she hoped she was taken into police custody soon.

In front of her the police had set up a road block. Thank god, salvation! She couldn't possibly run any more.

She slid over the bonnet of the nearest cop car and held her hands up as dozens of guns were trained on her.

'For the love of god, arrest me now!' She screamed.

To say they looked confused was an understatement. In the distance but getting alarmingly close, was the sound of snarling, interspaced with violent giggling. Lou and Bud's little distraction hadn't taken too long and now they were back to chasing her.

'You're surrendering?'

'Yes! Fuck yes!'

'_DEAD SWITCH!' _Her phone was buzzing indignantly, but she didn't care, right now she'd happily take whatever Nigma dished out later just to be in a cosy warm and above all, _safe _cell. Away from Batman, Joker, Harley and especially Bud and Lou.

She'd never been happier about getting arrested.

'Oh god what are _they_?!'

Bud and Lou had finally succeeded in getting under the cars. The two whirling angry pets were heading straight for her.

_On second thought…Fuck getting arrested._

With a painful huff she started running again.


	2. A Switch Sandwich

A/N: 'Sorry, not sorry!' *Dies* xD This is the quality of writing you can expect people…

This isn't as funny as the first one but it does provide some more details. Also- hotdogs! I suppose my last one wasn't really an ending, so I gave it one.

P.S: Switch's sterling sarcasm, polished by Riddler, will just not miss an opportunity to shine!

P.P.S: Thank you to everyone who reviewed th first chapter, which can be mostly be explained as tired, coffee addled rambling. I don't hav an excuse for this one.

Warning: More swearing!

* * *

_Shit, shit, shit! These hyenas are not going to quit chasing me! _

She'd dodged the cops, lost Batman and Harley some way back after the harlequin took exception to Batman attempting to baterang her babies and once again it was just Switch, Bud and Lou.

And Nigma.

_Nigma's not my biggest concern right now._

She still had hold of her phone and he was still throwing a tantrum to himself. She could occasionally hear the crashing of furniture or yelling but mostly all she could hear was the rush of the wind, the pumping of her own blood and the sounds of absolute cowardice.

What to do? What to do?

As she ran hopelessly down the street, chanting her mantra – _'Ohfuckohfuckohfuck!' _She spotted something that could at least buy her some time.

A hotdog stand.

_There is a god._

Bud and Lou weren't too far behind her, but she could afford to waste a little more time in order to buy it.

The phone was discarded; the hidden knife in her boot came out. The vendor hardly got past his opening pitch before the blade was shoved into his throat. Switch didn't care who was watching or what they saw, getting thrown in Arkham for murder was hardly new to her after all. She'd been up in front of every judge in Gotham; they all knew she was insane.

'Sorry, not sorry!' She gasped and left him to choke on his own blood as she rummaged around for something even those rabid hyenas wouldn't be able to resist.

'Ow, ow, ow! _Fuck!_' Snatching hotdogs right from the hotplate was hardly the brightest thing she could have done, but right on time, Bud and Lou came around the corner, snarling and frothing.

She took off running again, dozens of pilfered hotdogs in her slightly singed fingers. Occasionally, she'd turn and throw a few to the ground in some vain attempt to distract them. Unfortunately if twelve stone plus of heavily armoured Bat wasn't going to tempt their tastebuds, a few manky, possibly poisoned hotdogs weren't going to do much, but they were stopping to evaluate the hurtled foodstuff. Slowly, ever so slowly, she was increasing her distance but lord were they persistent.

Quite frankly there was only one person these mutts were going to listen to and it wasn't Harley.

_Why him? Why? It was bad enough I had to see the pasty faced git. _She whined in the privacy of her own head. The problems Switch had around Joker were legendary and spanned whole gangs. It was well known she was terrified of him to the point of babbling whenever he so much as even looked her way, so technically this was Nigma's fault for being too damn lazy and bloody minded to remember how much she _hated_ Joker. Oh yeah, it was all Nigma's fault she'd called him a painted freak.

Which had started all this.

Joker surely knew how to punish people properly. He could have just tortured her himself but no! It had to be the _FUCKING_ hyenas! Speaking of which…

She skidded to a stop and turned in a quick three-sixty.

_Where are the Hyenas?_

She'd run into what looked like a walled up courtyard somewhere in The Narrows. This wasn't too far from Joker's latest place, actually. The bloody things had forced her to run in a complete circle!

_Shit!_

A giggly growl from behind her indicated the presence of one, and a growl from the front indicated the other.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck! Just how had they gotten one of them ahead of her without her even noticing?_

Switch's eyes darted left and right, looking for any advantage. The walls were too high to climb, there was only one entrance and exit which both giggling dogs were guarding and there was no way she'd get through either of them without serious injury.

'Well done boys! Looks like we caught ourselves a live one!'

_Ohhh no. Now?_

Joker stepped out of the shadows of the alley ahead of her. That manic grin fixed in place because he knew, with a word, she'd be torn to shreds in here and he was enjoying it.

_He'd planned this. I would swear it. But any attempt to make him admit it would just result in him claiming Karma or Irony._

Still, she knew how this was going to go if she wanted to keep her miserable hide. She was going to have to swallow her pride. That didn't mean it came easy to her.

' 'M sorry…' She grunted. 'Call them off.'

Joker held a hand to his ear theatrically as the dogs began circling, getting ever closer, snarling and snapping at her. 'I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that!'

At the sounds of his voice, Bud and Lou flew into frenzy; Switch was bounced from one to the other as they attempted to take more chunks from her legs.

'_FUCK! I'M SORRY! I SAID I'M SORRY! CALL THE DOGS OFF! CALL THEM OFF!' _She screamed.

Joker laughed and watched her bouncing away from the snapping jaws for a few seconds longer before he relented. 'Alright boys! _**Go home.**_' The dogs suddenly dropped, bellies to the floor they backed away from her, still snarling and crawled towards Joker.

She sank to the floor in relief as they disappeared around the corner. Her legs from the knee down had become curiously numb with pain, she was breathing hard and drenched in sweat all for the sake of not keeping her mouth shut when she was insulting people in her own head. It was just total misfortune that Joker had overheard her.

In fact, he was laughing at her. 'Why the hyenas?' She panted. 'Why not just shoot me?'

'I would have, but Eddie gets so _defensive_ when his lackeys are no use to him.' Joker cackled. 'So I thought, what're a few bites between _friends_?'

He was evil. Absolutely evil.

'And the running?' She gulped.

'Oh you've got to run.' He looked way too amused. 'To learn your lesson properly.'

She really did hate him.

'And what did we learn?' He giggled like a schoolmaster, instructing a slow pupil.

In the circumstances, her magnificent smart mouth rose to the occasion. 'Wait until I'm out of earshot to call you a lipstick-wearing crackpot?' She huffed. Her expression froze when she replayed what had just come out of her mouth.

_Can't keep a lid on that sarcasm, can you Switch?_ She seethed to herself. _I have spent way too much time with Nigma._

Something dangerous flashed in Joker's eyes but she was really too tired to run anymore. She'd rather just take getting mauled to death. At least it wouldn't hurt. She could barely feel anything after the marathon she'd just run.

'I'll give you one last chance, Switchy.' Joker warned her.

What was left of her sanity fled into a corner and refused to return. Courage soon followed suit. Her mind went blank and in the haze of tiredness and pain she sat and stared at Joker.

In the tense atmosphere she held the last pilfered hotdog up. 'You want one?'

And then Batman landed, carrying a struggling Harley.

_Fantastic. _

The hotdog slipped from her fingers and bounced on contact with the floor. Ah well, there goes her last dangerous weapon. Food poisoning.

That was it. She was done. No more, _please._

'Puddin!' Harley screeched, but Joker was already making a run for it. Surprisingly, Batman let him. The caped nuisance turned to look down at her with his most fearsome gaze, she was not impressed.

'Are you going to go into custody quietly Dead Switch?' He growled.

'Oh please, take me into custody!' She begged him. 'I think I'm safer there.'

He cuffed her hands behind her back, which was completely unnecessary; given the fact she was absolutely exhausted and totally unable to fight back.

Batman was forced to carry her over one shoulder to the waiting patrol car.

That was when the giggling and snarling returned. Bud and Lou were ready for round two.

'The bloody hyenas _again_?!'

Surprisingly, that wasn't from her. It was from Batman.

She sighed tiredly. 'Better start running Bats. They don't give up easy.'

THE END?!


End file.
